RPG Articles

Today I ended up eating at this place.

Having trundled about on public transit and foot with only a very small breakfast I was quite hungry, so imagine my surprise when the kefta I ordered was only tolerable, despite the extra spice of hunger.

Perhaps the place has gone downhill since then. Maybe cosmic rays were blocking my taste buds. I can only give my honest impressions.

The kefta itself, which I ordered in a wrap, was super dry and bland. The veggies were good enough, but everything was slathered with some sort of ho-hum sauce. Possibly sour cream that a tahini jar once bumped into. Even if it had been great there was just far too much of it. The pita it was wrapped in wasn’t stale, but it seemed a near thing.

Really the whole impression was “here’s some crap that’s been sitting here drying out all day”, which is odd considering it took a fairly long time for the food to get to me.

While the place seems fairly resistant to zombie attacks, what with so few patrons and only a small frontage, you’ll probably end up killing yourself for want of something good to eat.

Base Zombie Safety Index: 7

Adjusted for suicidal yearning: 3

So, this place has pretty much become my office. I’ve had a chance to sample many of the wares and I simply must share the good, since I’ve already spoken of the bad.

The drinks aren’t anything special, but they’re solid enough. Stay away from the “cider” and you’ll be ok. The hot chocolate is amazing. The staff have been fantastically friendly across the board. They’re really the best part of the place.

That and several very accessible power outlets.

No improvement on the zombie safety though. It’s a sad world, all vulnerable to the zombie apocalypse.

This was fantastic Mexican food. Good Mexican food isn’t the rarity in Portland that I once thought it was, but this isn’t to say it’s frequent, and truly great examples are definitely much fewer and farther between.

I had a couple of porque tinga tacos, some rice, and an horchata. My lovely friend Sara had a posole and chips. Tacos and soup were fantastic. The beef was very well seasoned, but still obviously beefy, if you know what I mean, and the tortillas were fantastic. The rice was excellent, not the clumpy, cooked to death and reheated junk you get most places. The posole, which I only had a spoonful of due to incredible fullness, was very rich, with a nice dose of spiciness. The chips were fresh and crispy.

Now, to the heart of the matter. The place is a zombie apocalypse death trap. The spaces are very narrow, the traffic heavy, and the seats are oddly bucketed. Add sleep inducing Mexican awesomeness and you just aren’t likely to make it out of there. So if you go, and really you should, just keep an eye on the door. Dashing wildly to a safer place is your only hope. That said, the ladies of the staff were exceptionally attractive, so if you do manage to bar the entrance and survive the initial chaos at least you’d have them to stare at or talk to.

Zombie Safety Rating: 1

The outlook for battling the undead here isn’t good. The entrance is a wall of glass, it’s in a busy strip mall, and the patrons are either frail looking teens or frail looking old people. It isn’t all downbeat though. There’s shelves and furniture that would make an ok barrier, and a small supply of baked goods will stave off cannibalism. I assume there’s a back door, so eventual escape may not be a total delusion.

On the Zombie Safety scale I’m giving it a 3.

The only product I can comment on, since I’m still trying to avoid caffeine, is the hot cider. It’s so obviously from a powder that I’m going to call it non-numerical on the scale. Everything else here is the usual crap you see at these places. One day I might get a muffin or something, at which time my mind may be so blown as to post about it again.