RPG Articles

First, and most importantly, is because it’s a tired storyline tied to a not really all that impressive setting. I don’t care how pretty a movie is supposed to be, this one looks sort of like melty cheese ass to me. And at nearly three hours it better have more than eye candy anyway.

The story is bound to be crap, so let’s look at these visuals. Yep. Sure are some blue fuckers running around. And some bullshit floating continents. Why are we mixing live action and cgi like this again? Don’t feed me shit about how good the cgi is either. District 9 had fucking amazing cgi, and the best part was that it was only used as needed. This is a bunch of shit that tries putting a vague bloom effect on everything to get your attention away from how the people and animation don’t visually mesh. Don’t get me wrong, it looks like a lot of hard work went into it and all, but it’s dumb to mix animation and live action on this sort of scale, unless you’re doing something like Cool World or Who Framed Roger Rabbit where that’s part of the setup.

So, it begs the question, why was it done this way? I think it’s because they didn’t want to be seen as making a cartoon, despite things like Reboot or Battle Planets being (presumably) more engaging because of the consistent visuals and rather less pretentious storylines.

Please, movie makers, stop ejaculating money onto the screen by the tera-gallon and calling it good. It’s usually just rehashed shit. For examples see the remake of King Kong, both Transformers, the Ang Lee Hulk, and so on.

Edit: Somehow I forgot to mention that one thing that absolutely angers me is how given a medium of incredible flexibility we’re given blue cat people.

Went and saw this on Halloween. In short, it’s a fun movie with some solid performances, good makeup, and is worth seeing if you don’t have any reading to catch up on or other movies that grab your attention.

The Good:

Some of it was quite funny. The “zombies” had good makeup. Bill Murray shows up for a bit.

The Bad:

We’re subjected to some really pointless love interest bits, pointless back story for Harrelson’s character, a total lack of curiosity on the part of everyone, and generally the characters doing things that make you sit back and wonder how they got by before the apocalypse.

The Hideously Stupid:

Voice over? Really? When did this story seem so complex that we needed a fucking narrator a la The Wonder Years? At one point, in this voice over, we get an explanation for the zombies, begging the question “How the fuck do you know that?”, since the narrator is obviously not any older than he is in the film, unlike The Wonder Years, and it’s not like there was anything around to tell him what happened.

General Bits and Bobs:

There was no reason to have the beginning be asynchronous like it was. It added nothing to the story and would have probably worked a touch better just laid out point A to point B style. For that matter, it would have been a lot more interesting to see the main character actually working through the initial days of the outbreak. Instead we end up with something feels like ten minutes of youtube videos spliced into 60 minutes of marginal value and possibly another ten minutes of story relevant comedy. It felt really forced, like it was made by committee.

I can’t help but wonder what it’s like to be the guy they turn to when they want a low rent Michael Cera.

I didn’t have any real expectations going into this, just fyi, but I found it to be fun, and funny, but ultimately forgettable.

That’s kind of all I can think to say about it.

I hadn’t heard of this movie, at all, but apparently it did actually show on some screens. Not really important, just that when I saw it I’d expected the sort of thing that dwells in the direct to DVD market these days.

Apparently it received a lot of negative reviews, primarily arguing that the plot was too convoluted, which is completely untrue. I’d suggest that’s merely a barometer of the average attention span. You’ll also find mention of the plot being somewhat monotone, which is a fair criticism.

The movie drops you headlong into a world that is recognizable to any fan of science fiction- Nazi scientists set about enhancing latent abilities in people, the rest of the world co-opted the research once they fell. These abilities fall into a bunch of categories-
Pushers can force thoughts and memories into you.
Shifters can change the physical aspect of objects temporarily.
Sniffers can track people from psychic traces left on things.
Watchers see potential futures.
Bleeders emit this ghastly wail that shatters glass and can rupture organs.
Shadows generate a sort of anti-sniffer field.
Wipers erase memories.
Stitchers can mend injuries.
Movers are telekinetics.

First off, I really enjoyed the movie. It was filmed really well, the actors all did good work, the script was not bad and bordered on really good several times. Well worth renting or buying if you’re into collecting DVDs.

The good-
Sets were wonderful. Lighting and camera work were all really well done. Location shots were brilliant. The story was really rather compelling, conceptually, and carried off pretty well. Makeup and clothing left people looking like people, which is shockingly rare.

The questionable-
There’s a power enhancing drug in the film, but it kills everyone they try it on, leading me to wonder how they know it enhances anything. This is questionable, rather than bad, because in most movies the drug would turn you into some freakish juggernaut, but this one is aptly compared to steroids, meaning the effect is significant but not overwhelming. Which, of course, leads you to wonder why you’d test something of marginal benefit, and near certain death, on such worthwhile resources. One is left to assume that they use it on people that have Fucked Up, which makes sense given the rest of the story.

Nick, one of the protagonists, initially has little skill with his telekinesis, because he doesn’t use it. I have trouble buying this. There’s no indication that using it makes him easier to track, and it doesn’t appear to have any negative consequences. I mean, it’s not like his eyes bleed whenever he bends a spoon, ya’ know? With a little bit of tweaking it would have been easy to paint it as more of a lack of teaching. Still, I’m willing to buy it.

The bad-
There are definitely a few places where you go “Haven’t we been here before?”. It’s not so bad as to ruin the film, but it is enough that you’ll notice it.

At one point they’re trying to figure out where a certain locker is, and realize it’s being Shadowed. In a startling lapse of logic, given how internally consistent the rest of the story really is, the little girl Watcher says something about not being able to see the building if it’s being Shadowed. There’s some mention of how that shouldn’t be possible and how Shadows shouldn’t be able to do whole buildings, but it felt really weak just because of that lapse. Seriously, how did she know?

There’s other dangling threads, but I won’t lump them in as bad, since it’s obvious that the writers want to finish things up in either a sequel or a comic book series I saw mentioned.

Oh lord. Where to start?

Christian Bale? Not the man for this job. You could have replaced him with a wind up toy that yelled periodically.

The dude that played Marcus had a couple moments of really brilliant acting through body language.

The script was so fucking bad that nobody could have saved this. Also, they totally lifted the entirety of the Reese/Star in LA bit from fucking Fist of the North Star. See Bat/Bart and Lin from that. Every line was either boring or stupid.

The signal thing? Who the fuck transmits that from their HQ? Put that shit in something near the front line. Nobody would do what they did.

The heart thing? Ok. Seriously. That was some stupid shit. Why would you give somebody a super alloy skeleton that provides less protection than a standard human one? If you blasted all the skin from my chest, do you think you’d see my heart? No. For that matter, wouldn’t you see lung there even in the shoddy terminator chassis? Or was it just SkyNet decided “Lungs are easy, but making a simple pump to replace that heart would be tough”? The fucking transplant at the end was as stupid. Yeah, let’s just plunk that in. I’m sure this veterinarian in the middle of a wasteland can pull off an organ transplant with no problem. Let’s not even think about tissue compatibility and rejection. Ghod, the retardation. Conveniently this also means the only good actor and character is dead. Yay?

Marcus in general could have been a great character. Take away the retarded lines, delete all the shit about his fucking heart, and let the man work with anger and silence. He was great at conveying the sense of someone with a killer just beneath the surface.

His back story needed something else though. Where the fuck was he for 15 years? Was he converted then frozen? Did they just freeze his body? What the fuck? We could have spent an entire movie exploring this guy, in a good story, but instead we get some bullshit.

Oh, and christ, that whole ‘you did everything we wanted you to’ bit. What kind of retarded fucking plan is that? There wasn’t even any reason for SkyNet to give a shit about John yet. Even if there was, it could have ended it by destroying that first fucking chopper. GAA!! THE STUPID BULLSHIT OVERWHELMS!

The giant robots? Stupid. There’s no fucking reason for them. The scout drone thing? Stupid. SkyNet never bothered with something that couldn’t hold a gun unless it had one bolted to it or, at the very least, had something stabby instead. 50 of some capture model droid would have been better, and seem more fitting. Not that there seemed to be any fucking reason to capturing people anyway.

Don’t get me wrong, the 4 armed thing looked cool, aside from being CGI, it just didn’t fit. The T-600? Fucking awesome.

My biggest non-story issue was the sets. They ranged from cheap looking and unambitious to just cheap looking. Also we jumped around a lot for no reason.

Now, the biggest story issues.

For one, the resistance was too organized and well armed. John was supposed to be the one gathering people up, training them, and really driving the whole thing. Instead he was just some asshole in some other asshole’s army. He wasn’t revered as some kind of prophet, he was revered for being really fucking good at killing terminators, outsmarting SkyNet, and organizing. That was the whole point of his mother raising him the way she did. Fucking idiots.

Next up is the feeling of danger. It wasn’t there. There was sunlight and everything. When you watched Terminator the first time, did you get the impression these people saw daylight? I sure didn’t. I got the impression of “Nuclear Hell-Hole”, and people surviving by living in warrens that resisted detection mostly because they were surrounded by fucking ruin. “It’s safer in the day” my ass. There’s no day anymore. “They’ve never pushed this far in before”. Fucking why not? They are an immortal army of super-steel with no concept of fear, rest, or anything else of the sort. Don’t even get me started on how I felt about them having aircraft, or a fucking compound all to themselves.

Last, let’s talk aesthetics. Why would there be any manual controls in or near anything SkyNet built? It literally controls everything. That door needs to be opened? Ok, it’s open, or kicked in by a Terminator. Also, people, drop the iPod look. Did SkyNet need a face? No. Would SkyNet have any kind of display anywhere? Not likely. Humans are to be killed, that is all. Would it give a shit about Marcus after using him? No. He would have been liquified and recycled. Also, his metal face bit looked terrible, wobbling from shitty makeup to shitty CGI.

Oh, and of course the cinematography mostly sucked. From shitty camera jumps to a bunch of shaky cam.

I see it was written by a couple of assholes that should be roasted and fed to animals you don’t like. Too bad they wrote the screenplay for Surrogates, since before now I was hoping that would be good.

EDIT: I realized that it slipped my mind to mention that being punched directly in the heart by a super strong killer robot will probably result in you needing more than a jolt to revive.

Also, on further reflection, who the fuck does John Connor think he is? He thinks he’s sooooo important that he scrapped a seemingly viable plan to save his own hide. Way to go Narcissus. And again, why the hell did SkyNet care one whit? Sigh.

I realize all of you are lovin’ on this movie, but honestly, I think you’re kidding yourselves.

It’s like when Transformers hit. I was so amazed it didn’t outright suck that my brain did it’s best to think it was awesome. Further analysis revealed much to the contrary there, and taught me a lesson about such things.

So. This movie? Didn’t suck, certainly, but was it any good?

Hmmm…

No, not really.

The story was acceptable, though nothing to crow about. Characterization was weak, despite, or possibly because, of the intense treatment it got in the beginning. Time travel is still one of the laziest fucking things in the world.

The sets were mostly good, what we got to see of them anyway, but really nothing special there either. Most of it was like a grimy DS-9.

Casting was mostly really quite good, but that’s hardly all there is to a movie.

Eric Bana can’t act. Just flat out can’t. True, I’ve only seen him in two things that I recall, so maybe I’m wrong, but based on the evidence at hand I’m saying the man cannot act. So, in a way, it’s a blessing that we spend no time with him whatsoever. If the movie had an interesting villain with some presence it would have been much stronger. Perhaps it did, but wisely died on the cutting room floor once they saw what Bana could do.

I’d ask you (meaning movie people) to stop embarassing us with in jokes, but that’s impossible. This was second best, avoiding any screen staring wah-wah moments.

The absolute worst thing, the thing that drags this movie down further than any one single element, is the way it was shot. Seriously, they put this on IMAX? Fucking why? Like 75% of the fucking movie is portrait shots with swoopy/jittery bits leading to more portraits. The rest is in fucking shaky-cam because apparently you can’t get work unless you pretend to not understand how to hold a camera fucking steady.

Overall, worth seeing. No point seeing it on an IMAX screen, unless they have some freaky alternate footage for you. Not worth ever watching again though.

Let me spare you the drama- this movie was a pile of warmed over feces.

I didn’t have high hopes for this, and I was still let down. The last two X-Men movies were pretty solid, had some good times, and so on.

What was good-

Casting was pretty top notch overall. Most of the actors fit the roles given them well and pulled of their silly lines admirably.

Costuming was generally not bad.

What was bad-

Remember how all the sets in the first X-Men movie looked like rejects from a theme park or were just variations on one square sound stage? Yeah, that’s how this is too.

The name thing. We don’t need elaborate stories behind names. He is Wolverine because he’s short, hairy, and mean. There’s worse ways to pass along key character points (see the t-shirt thing in that awful Punisher movie), and in a better movie it could have even worked ok. But naming Deadpool and Blob the way they did was retarded.

The fighting was generally boring and when it involved any wire work it lapsed into the slow motion feel which plauged the first X-Men movie.

The story. The whole fucking story they stitched together did nothing but waste time and fail to go anywhere.

I don’t know the technical term for it, but there’s zero cohesion from one scene to the next. He spends like five minutes every in North America, then jaunts off for no reason to do more nothing.

The cinematography. This person should be rendered asunder by a motorcycle gang. The shots varied from boring to cliche to more boring.

What was beneath contempt-

The script, as a whole.

The whole “Wait, no, your woman is alive because we want to kill her at the end of the movie” thing was absolutely pointless. What the hell? How long were you guys together anyway? Did they steal your sister from the babysitter?

Zero. I have no idea who this guy was supposed to be, but his character was pointless and retarded. He apparently had the mutant ability to be Asian and summon up ancestral gun-fu.

The re-imagineering of Deadpool. Ryan Reynolds is perfect for Deadpool, but this take on the character was, like the rest of it, pointless and boring.

The CGI claws looked like something from Ang Lee’s Hulk.

The naming of Gambit. “Because he always beat them at poker” or some shit. Again, just say “They call him Gambit”, it’ll avoid stupid shit stories and the audience will think it’s just fine.

I’m sick of writing about this now, so I’ll give you one example of the sort of scripting we’re talking about here. They send Zero out to stop Wolverine. After Zero is killed one of the dudes at the Weapon X facility pulls out this revolver in a padded case with some adamantium bullets. My first thought was “Dude, those bullets look like crap, you should wrap some lead or copper around your spiky little friends” then two insane realizations caught me. One, this guy had the time, and pull, to wander off with enough adamantium to make these bullets, get the gun case made, polish everything lovingly, and all without having to tell anyone or get noticed. Two, did he hate Zero or what? Your guy with the mutant ability to make life into a Jon Woo film took off to kill this dude and you failed to give him a weapon his bullshit power was good with, only mentioning it after he died?

Good lord people.

This movie is wonderfully insane. The insanity is total. At one point there is a Godzilla style battle.

Sometimes the racism and Ichi The Killer-osity teeters on the edge of too much, but at those times just cringe a little, laugh a little, and relax a whole lot.

Also, stay through the credits. There’s some great outtakes.

There was something niggling at my mind, something detracting from the film, and it finally crawled up into my conscious mind. If you blew up Moscow, especially at the height of the Cold War (should that be capitalized?), I don’t think you’d have time to get to a phone and say “Wait, no, he got us too!” before ICBMs were in the air. Know what I mean?

One thing I just plain forgot to mention before was that I didn’t care for the way everyone just knew Dr. Manhattan could see his own future and past.

Still, well worth watching.

Finally saw this last week, and had to take some time to chew on it. I mean, I knew I enjoyed it, but how much, and how does it compare to the source material? I also took the time to re-read the comic.

There’s plenty of good stuff.

The casting was amazing. Everyone suited the character amazingly well, and managed to actually get into it. This broke down some with the Comedian once in a while, he seemed to not really be in the part, so the lines came off a bit wooden. Not that I’m saying it’s easy playing the Comedian, or that those lines would roll off anyone’s tongue, I’m just saying. Nite Owl and Rorschach were absolutely spot on, playing up the characters brilliantly.

Nite Owl and Silk Spectre were actually better than their comic counterparts. Especially Silk Spectre, though almost any effort at making her better would be an improvement over the comic. Christ man, she was such a useless pile of Frank Millerosity.  So she ended up coming off a bit more like a human being and less like a retired hooker in need of Xanax. In the comic, Nite Owl came off as someone who had sort of fallen into passivity, while in the movie it came off more as someone driving themselves into it, which seems more effective to me.

The absolute best part was the body langauge. It would have been easy to make this fall flat by just sort of posing through the scenes, but instead they managed to do the most appropriate form of storytelling for action characters, which is simply in the way they do things. Amongst normal people one gets the impression of tigers amongst lambs, and it’s an amazing metamorphosis from, say, Dan Dreiberg or Laurie Jupiter into their heroic alter-egos. Then there’s Rorshach, who radiates that all the time. When with friends, children, pets, you really can’t be certain he won’t just crack through your ribcage. Not because he doesn’t care, rather because he cares so very much, and he cares all the time. The flipside is Dr. Manhattan, who gives nary a damn about much, but also lacks that human component. Not so much all predator as all beams of light, a force as remote from a normal human as a shark. Every scene of him captures this, captures him going through the motions, though there are still some emotional speed bumps for him.

Of this absolute best part there is even an ultimate scene. Rorshach, confronting a kidnapper that has killed a little girl, goes through this episode that’s difficult to qualify. It’s short, really just a few seconds, but it’s beautiful. He is obviously not the same man as in the present, this man still moves like a human being sometimes. Chaining the kidnapper to a stove, his arm comes up holding the killer’s cleaver, and he looks at it as though the action isn’t of his own volition. Through a featureless mask, wearing a baggy coat, he projects this brief, but powerful, struggle as the tiger of Rorshach devours the weak human of Walter Kovachs. As his arm comes down you see Walter’s death spasms. This sort of thing is precisely what a comic book adaptation should be, giving the true gift of movement to the story.

Sets, CGI, and costumes are all top-notch. Everything is kept surreal enough that any given thing couldn’t possibly take you out of the moment, but without resorting to the starkness of Sin City, which would have detracted from such a shaded and detailed series of portraits. The costumes are removed from the spandex era, but without losing the fantasy quality. And Silk Spectre (II technically) isn’t dressed like some hooker. More like a roller-derby girl.

There’s one thing I’d call good, but inadeqate. Adrian Veidt, aka Ozymandias. He did well, playing the role he was given, but that role may as well have included him doing the shifty eyes in every scene. It felt dumbed down and telegraphed.

There’s a couple of things I’d just call bad. A vain attempt at lending some current day relevance, with Adrian going on about how war is caused by a fear of resource deprivation and there was some car company stuff. This, in itself, could have been ok, if it could have felt less wedged in and also if it hadn’t involved him talking to the public about it. Being public about this just isn’t in the man’s makeup. Nobody should know jack about what he’s doing, or even claims to be doing. Still, in large, it doesn’t hurt too much to invalidate the experience. The worst thing is the sense of compression. The movie is something like two hours and forty-five minutes, and it really just isn’t enough. It would have been nice to see a Kill Bill treatment of it, though who knows if the production staff and writers could have produced the same quality under lesser constraints. Also, that sort of thing is still seen as quite a gamble by Hollywood I’m sure.

In short, now that it’s too late to be brief, it was an amazing piece of work. Not perfect, but nothing is. The best part, as a fan of the comic, was that it actually brought forth a new appreciation for the story, causing me to evaluate the characters from new angles. Also, less of the “WOMEN ARE WHORES” vibe.

Anyway, that’s my two cents.