Tales from calling Verizon support
I was over at someone’s house, reset their router since nobody knew the password, and for no readily apparent reason the internet goes down.
It was Verizon DSL, so I could pretty much guess the reason, but it was too late to do much about it. See, instead of using the modem’s MAC address, or something really sane like not caring, their system binds to the MAC address of the system connected to the modem. It scans roughly every two hours and not all of their support staff (as in one guy) knows about it. So, I figure the router was set to clone the MAC of the PC, because of this issue, but to be on the safe side I offer to call Verizon and check it out.
First off, Verizon’s phone tree is a thing of mystery and poorly linked technology. You give your phone number to the system and staff about 4 times on average. That is, you do when the system isn’t hanging up on you or connecting to a fast busy as it flops you to some other…. thing. Eventually I make it to the wrong department, despite calling the ISP support number listed on the bill, and then get transferred to the right department.
The right department resides, from the quality of the call, somewhere in the stony bowels of the earth, with only a MASER array to establish a phone link. The fellow also had a very thick accent, so we were off to a very good start with the communication thing. After giving the number one more time, spelling my name twice, and waiting for whatever IBM “Contractually Obligated To Still Own” mainframe to spew account details onto the guy’s screen, we get to the issue.
“What can I help you with today?”
I know it’s a mistake to mention the router, it’ll just scare him. But I figure it’s best to be honest when you can, you know?
“Well, I had to reset the router, and now I can’t get an IP address, with the router or with the PC connected directly, even after power cycling everything.”
I then get to read off the model information of the modem and, for some reason, the router.
“Did Verizon provide the router?”
Jesus Christ. “No, that’s why I have it connected directly.”
“Can we take the router out and connect the PC?”
“Sure. It’s like it’s already there.”
“Open Internet Explorer.”
“K.”
“Type in Verizon.net and hit enter.”
“I don’t have an ip address. You heard that right?”
Silence. “Hey, look at that, I’m still not on the internet.”
Then I read him stats from ipconfig, just in case we weren’t clear on what the words “no fucking ip address” meant.
He had me try IE 5 times, despite not having an IP address, as though, perhaps, the magic of Internet Explorer would refresh my IP, healing us with it’s holy burning light.
About an hour of this goes by, and thankfully the scan comes around again, so I’m back online.
“Thanks dude, we’re up and running now. You’re the best, die in a fire.”
So I cloned the PC’s MAC info and reconnected the router.
Long story short, if you meet a Verizon employee on the road, he ain’t the Buddha, but feel free to kill him anyway.